Friday, 1 February 2008

Sunday, 29 July 2007

Coming out with a new resilience and confidence.

This venture is an open invitation to anyone who finds their old core values and meanings of life wearing thin and losing their usefulness.

My coming out has taken some forty years. Yet only as I make sense of whatever crops up, even years after the event, can I write it up. You'll find snippets of it in later in the blog.


This approach may help anyone who is bothered by something they don't understand. Maybe you feel trapped or find someone is a pain in the neck; by writing of or talking through an episode of the encounter you do well to focus on one snippet of that experience.

But you may be infected with rules of who must be obeyed and who must not be upset. With the emotions that get aroused this can be traumatic as all hell is let loose.

In writing a snippet don't try too hard or take on too much. Having lived under the cloud of what you're used to for many years coming out will be tough. There will be days when you are shit scared of coming to terms with what you find is depressing you and might want to run for cover.

But those who've made big promises and are trapped in or lumbered with commitments may well be fearful of being eaten alive. Yet the new resources and skills we need in coming out are free for the taking.


Reflect on newly qualified social workers experience



New resources link


Link to new skills, ToM

We can find what is bugging us and deal with it.

Lurking somewhere is stuff that dare not be spoken; but it's there and there's a lot of it; it's sticky, tacit, contextual and embedded; it is fearful yet it belongs to what's going on. If you acknowledge it and bring it into play it could make all the difference but when you deny it or see it as insignificant it is wasted.

Yet we can only resolve our anxieties as we look at whatever's bugging us, those past senses of outrage and feelings of inadequacy, those old experiences of stupidity and getting it wrong, of never getting it right or never saying the right thing.

This can be frightening but it's better to discover what's there and sort it out than pretend there's no problem. Else it'll continue as a drag on the system and we'll not properly survive let alone flourish.

Alas it can't happen if you're trying too hard and are stressed out with too much on your mind or have bitten off more than you can chew. It can't happen if you see your stuff as virtuous or that's got to be obeyed.

And there is hidden treasure as well

By coming out as human we join others in a world of new values where some of our dreams come true. And it's a real surprise when the unexpected happens.

Then we have to find words to describe something that's been there all the time waiting as it were for us to see a common place situation in a new light.

eg A single mother I know had a truculent daughter and she spoke of her anxiety to her mother whose advice was to teach the teenager to cook. That advice made sense and now ten years later the youngster, now a mother hereself, surprises all and sundry with an unexpected skill and commitment to life

We could pause to realise the extent of the thought that went into the knowledge transfer. Underlying that transformation was a considerable human capacity of her mother and grandmother to understand and reflect on teenage awkwardness. Those three women unwittingly did a lot of 'thinking about their thinking'

That same underlying human capacity engaged me when I heard the unlikely story. When the unexpected happens and I am surprised my underlying human capacity is to notice it and write and speak of it; maybe others will be encouraged to act on their anxiety

By coming out as human we join others in a world of new values where some of our dreams come true and the unexpected can happen. After all we are social animals and affect each other in countless ways.

If it bites then antidote it; if it's good then celebrate it.

Using this blog as a conversation starter when you or a friend feels inhibited complacent or stuck you'll have a story to tell. Do tell us of the dragons you've slain or at any rate sent packing. And if you are surprised at your coming out experience do share that too We may publish, anonymously of course, your adventure in another blog.

Joining a virtual community

In coming out you'll find real friends with whom you can explore what you're experiencing. Such friends, those you see worthy of your love, are maybe few and far between. But you can find them even by suggesting they try and make sense of this blog.

Coming out is relating to those who're struggling to escape from a dependance on their manners status property or pension. It's like migrating with those whose dreams of becoming human and loveable and being good enough are coming true.

Such a community is dynamic; the unexpected crops up and we deal with it and learn from it.

There are others in this new world that you'll encounter, Try http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/204